On The Verge

Six Self- Conducted Unscientific Experiments - Kaleidoscope Challenge May 2025- Theme Experiment

This is really a great theme for me because my life has been a series of experiments. I was a child with a wild and vivid imagination. In that realm I could become anyone or anything other than what I was. A sad, and neurotic motherless child who plucked out her eyelashes and bit her nails ‘til they bled.

As I went through school in the same small town where generations of my family had lived, I survived into high school with the same students I’d known since second grade. They thought they knew me, but hadn’t for years. I was bullied and teased mercilessly, because they could always make me mad or cry. How overjoyed I was when I was told that we were moving!

This was the beginning of experiments I tried, that ended up aiding my growth and teaching me a lot about myself.

• Reinventing myself in High School - Experiment 1

  Hypothesis: If I present a confident and sociable front, I can make friends and be confident.

It was the second semester of my freshman year of high school, where I ended up in another town, at a much larger school. I decided I was going to totally reinvent myself, overcome my shyness, and my past, and make friends and enjoy school. Nobody knew me, and however I presented myself, would be how I would be perceived. A clean start, a complete makeover. I bought different clothes, dressed more fashionably, and went to my new school as a new girl. I got the classes I wanted, I went out for band, and tried for the choral group. I made friends that I still have.

Result: Success!

• Radical Self-Love - Experiment 2
  Hypothesis: To heal from the past, I must show love even to the ugly parts, the shameful parts and the frightened parts of myself.

  I learned much later that the root concept of this experiment is “radical self-love.” To be honest, this experiment is still on-going, and the results may never be a clear pass/fail. Due to childhood trauma, there are layers upon layers of shit to unpack, and time is not on my side. I’ve come a very long way is all I can say. Learning to love the unlovable parts of myself has helped me to love the same in others. More than that,it’s broadened my definitions of things like Grace, Divine Love, Universal Love, One Love and the concept of loving my neighbor ad myself as I was taught from a young age. Love is a verb. Loving the unlovable is a choice, an action. Results vary.

  

• Working with the differences in myself instead of against them - Experiment 3

  Hypothesis: I’ve often been asked why I always have to do things the hard way. My answer has always been that I never see any other way. My experiment was (also as part of the radical self-love thing) to stop sabotaging myself, make smarter choices and see if things turned around for me.

Wrong thinking causes more problems than it solves, but as you know, it’s very hard to identify. Humans like to be right. Smart people usually are, and as I count myself as being of above average intelligence as proven through school and aptitude testing, etc., I had the mistaken idea that whatever I was choosing, planning or thinking of MUST be right, simply by virtue of my having produced or thought it up.

I began to second-guess myself, argue with my own conscience in fact. I started to re-think all my choices, and look at the root cause of my perspectives. My fears, my beliefs and my expectations were all factored in. I started making more thoughtful choices. Do you want to know what happened? Of course you do. The experiment is on-going but all signs point to success!

My thoughtful choices, and understanding of how my mind works, through many hours of solitary work in the dark, so to speak, has transformed my life and my thought processes into something far more thoughtful, trustworthy, and healthy/sound. My overall mental health has improved exponentially

• Tricking My Social Anxiety and Crippling Self- Talk - Experiment 4

  Hypothesis: Radical self-love and understanding and working with my mind went a long way towards my mental health. However, there were a couple of demons that were still inhabiting my darkest parts. I realized I was going to have to get crafty and creative to dispell them for good. I was going to try tricking my own anxiety and work on getting rid of that voice in my head.

  Negative self-talk and a bullying voice that often sounded like a relative or school bully followed me out of school, into the workplace, and into my marriage. The voices weren’t actual voices (I wasn’t literally possessed), but they were real enough. I tricked them by pretending to listen, then doing whatever I felt I should do in spite of the negative self-talk. As I put more and more time and space between my voices and my choices, I grew and I evolved to the point where I simply didn’t hear them anymore. I don’t. Well, once in a great while, I have one try to raise its ugly head and speak, but my own voice shuts it down before a syllable can be spoken.

  Result: Success!

• Manifestation of Results- Experiment 5

  Hypothesis: This was a part of my philosophy of horse training. Can be used in other animal training and to an extent with other people. Ride the horse you have like the one you want to have.

  I’m sure I read this from a “master trainer” somewhere, but it resonated and I integrated it into my own thoughts about how we should approach goal setting with a thinking animal. You do all the prep work, mitigate as much risk as you can while building a bond of trust with the horse. You show him you’re going to keep him safe, and he can depend on you to be consistent and never steer him wrong.
  Ride the horse like a good horse. Expect the horse to behave calmly, and move with confidence and the majority of the time in my experience, it’s true. I’ve started young horses for saddle, for driving, and rehabbed horses with behavioral issues, as well as rehabbed and helped to rebuild rescue horses to prepare them for new homes. I’ve started Mustangs that once ran wild and taught them to carry a rider with confidence in any situation.

One example, and it’s not a huge aha moment, it’s just a time I put it into practice. I was working with a horse who had been broke to ride by a very nervous rider. The rider had inadvertently transfered her fear to the horse, who literally jumped sideways at a shadow. There was one corner of the arena that scared her every lap. A flag was hanging there. It sometimes rippled or flapped in the wind.

I found myself thinking ahead as I approached that place while riding, deepening my seat, my weight in my feet and riding in the center of the motion, just in case the horse dove into the center instead of riding through the turn. Well, this horse was already so over sensitized that my slight weight adjustment and deepened seat was enough to telegraph to her to be afriad, and wary of that place.

I thought I would do an experiment. Instead of bracing for a spook in the scary corner, I completely ignored that place and turned my head, my body and my attention to the next place along the fence I would be traveling to.
The next thing that happened? Nothing.

The mare trotted right past the scary corner and moved forward without a glitch. This is only one of many times I was brave enough to ride the horse I had the way it should be. One of the things I taught in my career with horses and rider is that we ride the horse the same way outside the fence as we do inside.

I’ve been in the mountains, in the wilderness, in parades, and all around the countryside and have had some incredible adventures with some really good horses.

Result: Success!

• Blessing Others and Being Blessed- Experiment 6

  Hypothesis: Letting people do things for you, makes them happy and you should not refuse a blessing.

  Growing up feeling undeserving, it was hard to accept things like compliments, gifts, kind gestures and the fact that someone might like spending time with me, or going out to do things with me.

  I was always under the impression that I was a charity case, a pity invite, or was only included because having me along make the other person look good. It was part of that negative self-talk(see above). Certainly I wasn’t worthy of any crumb of kindness or happiness. Then someone set me straight. I’ll always be grateful for the pep talk I received on the matter from a friend and sister. It forever reframed my way of thinking.

  If someone wants to do something for you, you do them a disservice by refusing or denying it. You’re actually blocking them from the happiness that they have in doing something good or kind for you.

I’m not talking about a false social interaction of who’s going to pick up the check, but when a friend and dinner companion says, “Tonight it’s my treat.” You accept that with grace and gratitude and don’t argue. I do, still always ask if they’re sure they want to do that, and if they say something different, like, “maybe we should split it.” I will do that. If my friend wants to treat, I’ll offer to leave the tip. That satisfies both sides of the social interaction for me.

This way, I’m being blessed by someone, and that is a blessing for them as well. I’m not talking about any kind of spiritual fundamentalist thing. We are the ones who bless one another. I learned that it feels good to help and do kind things for people, and when you do that, both of you benefit and put more love out into the world.

Result: Success!

My life has been a series of unscientic experiments. I’ve always looked for ways to change things by trying something new or different. Trying something that might make my life or the world better than it is. I think it might not be only me. Maybe there are others out there who have done the same. What have you been experimenting with in your life?

Thanks for reading and hello to all my new readers! Thanks for taking the time to click and comment. Apologies for wonky formatting. I’ve been having a hard time today with my Substack posts. Entirely my fault I’m sure.

I’m always on the verge of something. You’ll have to come back again to see what’s next.

Hi Mary! See you very soon!

Love, Virg

Moon Arica

Mark